Nov 18, 2017

Remember to Be Healed

Have you ever messed up something?

I have.

Did you ever use a lot of time and energy getting yourself into the mess in the first place?

I do that a lot.

Do you ever tell yourself not to fix it because it's probably going to happen again anyway, and it would be a waste of time and energy to get yourself back into the mess?

I don't want to tell you how many times I thought it would be wiser just to leave my mistakes so that I didn't have to make them again.

I think I have gained one gem of wisdom however: in cleaning up my same crap over and over again, I find one more cranny that I missed (or should have cleaned up last time).

At the same time, I see this weird danger: sometimes, when I return to my vomit, I devote myself even more so than the previous folly.

I'll cling to the deeper clean though. Despite how many times I pinball back and forth, I think the trajectory tests my heart. My heart is a dumb one to be sure, but it seeks God. It seeks God like a dumb child who has gotten himself stuck in a tree.

Have you ever helped a child into a tree? Almost invariably, they can't get out again. Sometimes, children get themselves into trees — but still can't get back down. That's how I feel: I've put so much energy into getting somewhere I thought I wanted to go. Then when I'm stuck, I cry and whine and panic. Thankfully, He helps me down again, but I wonder how many times I'm going to climb the same bad choices before I realize I just shouldn't go there.

By God's grace, the deep cleanse builds. His mercy allows me to find one more facet of my folly that angers me. His mercy renews me when I think cleaning up my mess isn't worth it.

I promise you that I've screwed up more than 490 times. How many times must you forgive a man? Seventy times seven they say. Thankfully, the number itself is not the issue. The symbolism is. 7 is the number of completion. Peter was like, "Should a man forgive his brother completely?" Jesus said, "A man should give his brother all the way 100% fully completely forever."

That is Christ's forgiveness: all the way 100% fully completely forever. Thus, I am in luck!

Still. Still, at the end of the day — though God's mercy prevails over all — I'm still injuring myself, and I hate it. How do you stop injuring yourself?

In Max Lucado's book "You Are Special," the main character Punchinello (a wooden puppet of sorts) feels that he has flaws. The society in which he lives obsesses over giving praises or criticisms in the form of golden stars or grey spots.

Long story short, Punchinello goes to Eli, the carpenter who made him. Punchinello says that he's flawed and he wants his spots removed. Eli doesn't take off his spots but says he should just keep coming back to visit.

As he leaves from his first visit, without him even noticing, one spot falls off.

Obviously, there's more to the Christian life than that, but I think we do look at our stars and spots too often and forget to go to the carpenter — regardless of how we look.

I have been forgetting; I'll tell you that much.

How do you remember?

Nov 14, 2017

Clogged Writing

I'm feeling clogged, like constipated. Not literally of course. I'm feeling writing constipated. Partially, I slept high-ho crapfully. Partially, that's it mostly. Partially, I've begun retagging all of my blog posts. I don't know why it feels so important to me. I'm not even very confident about the tags, but it will be better than having hundreds of little words attached haphazardly.

As it turns out, most of my posts are tagged with "journal." It's about as good as no tag at all.

What else? What else? Definitely not that. Not now. Maybe some day. Some day in the distant future when I'm already infamous.

I have too many things I want to refurbish, but I scatter my focus like M&Ms against a wall. (I don't think that's a common phrase, but it is the image that came to mind.) And who wants to waste all those M&Ms?! Plus, your hands would get sticky if you picked them all up. No fun at all.

Yeah. Yeah, it makes sense. I gotta prioritize getting my brain straight before I fret too much about publishing, writing, refurbishing, etc. I don't want to talk about it right now though.

I'm not talking about that either.

Or that.

Or even that — despite how innocuous the card game is.

Unfortunately, I think I've accumulated enough crap all up in my brain that I just have to garble and babble it out and start fresh. I could turn the muddled emotions into a story, a full-on random story that attaches to nothing I've already written. Funny enough, most of my good story ideas have sprouted from random sketches.

I don't want to refurbish my blog. It's so much energy.

I'm writin' a flippin' story.


Nov 13, 2017

One Soul


Would Jesus have died for one sinner?

Background Research

C. S. Lewis was not shy about being allegorical. In Perelandra, the second book of his space trilogy, he wrote, "When He died in the Wounded World He died not for men, but for each man. If each man had been the only man made, He would have done no less."

Nov 9, 2017

Scattered Information


I substituted today. It was like super chill. The teacher is a veteran, and he was over-prepared, and his students were over-prepared, and everything was over-prepared.

I gotta admit: today gave me a few small twinges of the desire to be a teacher. I also gotta admit: I have zero sincere interest in being a teacher. I do like the idea of substituting again though.

Nov 6, 2017

Agents and Taxes

Holy snapper japper!

I haven't written (on my blog anyway) in like four days!

I have been busy piecing so many things together. I am learning how to use YouTube. I am learning how to use I am learning a lot of stuff, so it's ok even if it feels like I haven't been getting to really real work.

Nov 2, 2017

A Literal Wall

As it turns out, I tutor things.

I have a student — we'll call him Captain — who usually works on math with me. However, we've worked on just about every subject. I think all students should devote time to reading, writing, and arithmetic, so I am always trying to find ways to encourage these.

I wanted to share with you one of the exercises I gave him.

Getting Closer

Well, salty dogs and sandy beaches!

If there's anything about which I'm a little obsessive, it's probably sticky hands. I hate having sticky hands — at least when I'm in a clean mode.

Clean mode is most cases but especially when I'm working on my computer or reading or normal things like that. Sometimes, I'm in a messy mode like playing outside or making a fire or cooking or whatever.