Create
I just want to create things — sort of.
I say sort of because, even though my heart is dramatically deflated, deep down, I still want to create.
I'm creating a board-game with my buddy Greg Stemler. It's called Starmada! I'm pleased if only with the title, but it's a pretty solid creation if I may say so myself. Ooh, you should try it once we've finally published it (which will take quite a while still, but we'll get there).
I've been creating a guitar song. I had already made a sizable portion of one, but I've been changing how I play it, and I much prefer the new sounds. The song is called "Forgiveness." Maybe it can start off the way it used to sound but then transition into the new sound. It originally sounded melancholy or at least pensive most of the way through. The new sound is strolling or playful.
I've been creating a most thorough database for Knights & Dragons - the iPad game with which I am obsessed. Megan suggests it's an addiction. I think it might even be something akin to that, but I don't really have too much else. I really don't want to explain why I feel so trapped, but I can tell you part of it I suppose:
I'm jobless. Don't you worry; I have been job-searching diligently. I'm sure I've been less effective than is possible since I don't know how to bullshit the way that companies want. I'm not a bullshitter; I don't know how to be. I've been practicing truth too hard and too long. Obviously, I'm not perfect at truth either, but I've packed in too much truth to fit in any effective amount of bullshit. Companies don't seem to hire people anymore it seems; companies hire arbitrary lists of criteria. Anyway, I don't even care. That’s not even the greater portion of it.
Creating. Creating. I am on the verge of beginning to draw. I recently drew a strange alien picture just as a sort of experiment for Starmada. I gave him some sort of dreadlocks and a reptilian face. Maybe I’ll get a picture of it and post it later. I also need to draw a cover picture for the booklet my dad is making of my poetry. I wish I could tell you that I wrote a new poem recently, but, alas, I cannot.
Speaking of writing, though, my rabbit story is running out of fumes. I think it was a healthy, longer-duration writing exercise. Megan made the great recommendation of completing it early and just having it be a short story. Since I slapped the original text together haphazardly so many years ago, it’s been grueling trying to sort it out. I’ll probably just continue with my time knight story. I find it more appealing even though the rabbits had a cute story going on. Like I told Megan, I’ll hang onto the themes I hoped to write into Werbel’s (Werbel was the main character) story; they just won’t be with rabbits and such.
These are all things I want to create. These are things I’m poised to create - poised at least in terms of skill. My heart, however - like I mentioned above - is deflated.
I feel that I have been cheated. I thought it might have lasted at least one year. Is one year too much to ask? Obviously, there is future possibility for reparation, but I’m a little apprehensive. It’s going to be tough. At this point, I just try to avoid it altogether. Duty is the only thing that impels me in that regard. I tried not to have romanticized notions, but I really thought it’d last at least one year. I was given so many warnings; I wonder if this is what they had in mind. I really can’t imagine this is what they were thinking. I have not even mentioned that focused reparations have been postponed until further notice; I don’t see what’s unfair about postponing focused ministrations until further notice. Peripheral reparations are attempted, but I want core reparations.
In any case, it’s time to go. I’ll create someday. Reparations are less likely, but there’s still a faint glimmer of hope deep down there somewhere.
I say sort of because, even though my heart is dramatically deflated, deep down, I still want to create.
I'm creating a board-game with my buddy Greg Stemler. It's called Starmada! I'm pleased if only with the title, but it's a pretty solid creation if I may say so myself. Ooh, you should try it once we've finally published it (which will take quite a while still, but we'll get there).
I've been creating a guitar song. I had already made a sizable portion of one, but I've been changing how I play it, and I much prefer the new sounds. The song is called "Forgiveness." Maybe it can start off the way it used to sound but then transition into the new sound. It originally sounded melancholy or at least pensive most of the way through. The new sound is strolling or playful.
I've been creating a most thorough database for Knights & Dragons - the iPad game with which I am obsessed. Megan suggests it's an addiction. I think it might even be something akin to that, but I don't really have too much else. I really don't want to explain why I feel so trapped, but I can tell you part of it I suppose:
I'm jobless. Don't you worry; I have been job-searching diligently. I'm sure I've been less effective than is possible since I don't know how to bullshit the way that companies want. I'm not a bullshitter; I don't know how to be. I've been practicing truth too hard and too long. Obviously, I'm not perfect at truth either, but I've packed in too much truth to fit in any effective amount of bullshit. Companies don't seem to hire people anymore it seems; companies hire arbitrary lists of criteria. Anyway, I don't even care. That’s not even the greater portion of it.
Creating. Creating. I am on the verge of beginning to draw. I recently drew a strange alien picture just as a sort of experiment for Starmada. I gave him some sort of dreadlocks and a reptilian face. Maybe I’ll get a picture of it and post it later. I also need to draw a cover picture for the booklet my dad is making of my poetry. I wish I could tell you that I wrote a new poem recently, but, alas, I cannot.
Speaking of writing, though, my rabbit story is running out of fumes. I think it was a healthy, longer-duration writing exercise. Megan made the great recommendation of completing it early and just having it be a short story. Since I slapped the original text together haphazardly so many years ago, it’s been grueling trying to sort it out. I’ll probably just continue with my time knight story. I find it more appealing even though the rabbits had a cute story going on. Like I told Megan, I’ll hang onto the themes I hoped to write into Werbel’s (Werbel was the main character) story; they just won’t be with rabbits and such.
These are all things I want to create. These are things I’m poised to create - poised at least in terms of skill. My heart, however - like I mentioned above - is deflated.
I feel that I have been cheated. I thought it might have lasted at least one year. Is one year too much to ask? Obviously, there is future possibility for reparation, but I’m a little apprehensive. It’s going to be tough. At this point, I just try to avoid it altogether. Duty is the only thing that impels me in that regard. I tried not to have romanticized notions, but I really thought it’d last at least one year. I was given so many warnings; I wonder if this is what they had in mind. I really can’t imagine this is what they were thinking. I have not even mentioned that focused reparations have been postponed until further notice; I don’t see what’s unfair about postponing focused ministrations until further notice. Peripheral reparations are attempted, but I want core reparations.
In any case, it’s time to go. I’ll create someday. Reparations are less likely, but there’s still a faint glimmer of hope deep down there somewhere.
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