Hubblah
Hard work and good character: do I have those?
I think so.
Fear used to constrict me. Now, I'm more or less free from that.
I still am less and less healthy — physically for sure but also emotionally and mentally.
I still am less and less healthy — physically for sure but also emotionally and mentally.
Fire elementals: God is burning away impurities. I still have too many; I guess that's why it burns so much.
A plain job would be nice though.
Despair is gone, so that's great. Now, there's just this awkward tension - tension about my unhelpful lessons, tension about trying to find a new job, tension about the tension between clinging to a paycheck and finding it dishonorable to knowledgeably do a job poorly, tension about taking care of Megan, tension about my students that hate me (they probably don't HATE me, but they hate me), tension about eating so little, tension about sleeping so poorly, tension about . . . I guess that's about it.
I don't know. There's lots of tension, but the despair has been burned away. The desire to die is mostly burned away. Honestly, I wouldn't mind being struck by a meteor, but it's not a hatred of life anymore; that's just wanting an easy way out of the lameness of life.
I know that life isn't lame, but it's lame. I know that God is refining me wonderfully, but it still hurts. It's frustrating that I have to keep frustrating my students. At least I haven't been shivved - yet.
It's frustrating to be wasting so much time beating a dead horse. The horse knows he's dead; I know he's dead; he's just dead. Some friends have tried to encourage me by offering ways to revive the dead horse.
In the words of Miracle Max, "There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do. ... Go through his clothes and look for loose change."
I suppose that's what I'm doing: going through pockets looking for loose change.
Whatevs.
A weekend is coming up.
I'm not going to think about school today. I'm going to think about resume/jobs and then VIDEO-GAMES. Oh, the wondrous relief of video-games! Fake worlds in which you always win! I wonder how much that's affected my perception of reality. Maybe my perception of reality (the desire never to fail) drove me to video-games. Who knows. Whatever the case, I like video-games, and they are, in and of themselves, good.
Yadda yadda.
Megan will be gone tomorrow. I'm glad she gets to see friends and share smiles. I want her to smile.
I don't like working 7am-9pm.
Well, it's after 3:40, so I'm kicking out students and leaving.
Hubblah!
It's a mix of huzzah and blah.
A plain job would be nice though.
Despair is gone, so that's great. Now, there's just this awkward tension - tension about my unhelpful lessons, tension about trying to find a new job, tension about the tension between clinging to a paycheck and finding it dishonorable to knowledgeably do a job poorly, tension about taking care of Megan, tension about my students that hate me (they probably don't HATE me, but they hate me), tension about eating so little, tension about sleeping so poorly, tension about . . . I guess that's about it.
I don't know. There's lots of tension, but the despair has been burned away. The desire to die is mostly burned away. Honestly, I wouldn't mind being struck by a meteor, but it's not a hatred of life anymore; that's just wanting an easy way out of the lameness of life.
I know that life isn't lame, but it's lame. I know that God is refining me wonderfully, but it still hurts. It's frustrating that I have to keep frustrating my students. At least I haven't been shivved - yet.
It's frustrating to be wasting so much time beating a dead horse. The horse knows he's dead; I know he's dead; he's just dead. Some friends have tried to encourage me by offering ways to revive the dead horse.
In the words of Miracle Max, "There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do. ... Go through his clothes and look for loose change."
I suppose that's what I'm doing: going through pockets looking for loose change.
Whatevs.
A weekend is coming up.
I'm not going to think about school today. I'm going to think about resume/jobs and then VIDEO-GAMES. Oh, the wondrous relief of video-games! Fake worlds in which you always win! I wonder how much that's affected my perception of reality. Maybe my perception of reality (the desire never to fail) drove me to video-games. Who knows. Whatever the case, I like video-games, and they are, in and of themselves, good.
Yadda yadda.
Megan will be gone tomorrow. I'm glad she gets to see friends and share smiles. I want her to smile.
I don't like working 7am-9pm.
Well, it's after 3:40, so I'm kicking out students and leaving.
Hubblah!
It's a mix of huzzah and blah.
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