I Feel Trapped

Hullabaloo, I tell you. Hullabaloo.

I haven't written in like forever. I haven't blogged anyway. I write a lot, and it almost counts, but it's never enough.

It was strange. I recently realized most of my creative writing exercises are about being trapped:

• Michael's story is almost entirely about how he's trapped inside a dimensionless world.
• I wrote about a man in a dream who's actually just in an experiment.
• One of my stories was simply called The Lock-Chair.
• Then, I have an ambling story about a man who's stuck in a bureaucratic kingdom and is eventually captured for defying the oligarchy.
• I even recently wrote a tiny story about some guy strung up by wires.

What's especially freaky is that none of these were planned. These have just been free-form, haphazard sketches. I guess, deep down, I feel trapped.

I'm not sure by what though. Perhaps that's what I've been trying to find through Michael; perhaps I've been searching all the worlds to uncover what's trapping me. I have some theories, but theories only go so far.

What do I do with that? I'm not sure if I should be encouraged. Does recognizing the pattern make it easier to understand? I'm not sure if I should be discouraged. Does sensing the pattern merely show how pervasive the feeling is? Probably the former.

It hasn't been as clear to me — possibly because I'm the one who's painting them — but my instructor, Amy, has recognized some kind of road or path in almost every one of my paintings. I wonder if the paths and the traps coincide. Are they paths searching for freedom?

I don't fear too much. Debt is crappy, but everyone has it. Failure is pretty common, but I'm learning to trust God better each day. Though it's not ideal, pain doesn't scare me. Being trapped is usually what scares me.

Not inside a box mind you — though that wouldn't be fun — but being metaphysically trapped, whatever that means. Maybe being trapped inside others expectations or disappointments. Maybe being trapped inside my own expectations or disappointments. Maybe being trapped inside unmet hopes.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick" says the proverb.

No idea, but I suppose that's why I ramble.