Feelings Are Allowed

I'm not feeling especially focused today. More honestly, I'm feeling particularly unfocused. I can't think of anything in particular that happened differently.
The weather is fine. My job is pleasant. My health is average. My debt is static. My relationships are stable. My diligence in prayer is growing gradually.

I probably don't read enough: God's Word or books in general.

Eh. I probably don't exercise enough, but don't make me do it; I've been avoiding it so well for so long.

In other news, my birthday is coming up! Right now, I'm not excited because I'd rather be sleeping, but I truly am looking forward to it. It has been a long time since I had a birthday where my whole heart was present.

• My 23rd birthday was kind of a blur because I was still concussed from a recent car accident.
• 24th was very joyful because I was inspired to arrange it myself, so I had lots of friends celebrate with me.
• 25th was right at the beginning of too many trials, so it got squelched underneath my circumstances.
• 26th was in the midst of those trials.
• 27th was when things were properly beginning to unravel.
• 28th was celebrated with a few, dear friends, but I still had some lingering despair.

And now I'm at my 29th. It has been five years since I had a joyful birthday.

It's really a glad recollection though. I don't think we give ourselves or each other enough opportunities to be sad. Two stories illuminate this actually.

I was chatting with two dear friends; we'll call the first Joe and the second John.

I was telling Joe how I was feeling grumpy and tired, and Joe immediately started explaining how that's adulthood and that's life and life sucks and don't give up and just be patient.

Woah, Joe.

I didn't stab anyone or curse anyone out or quit my job or set anything on fire.

I was just tired and grumpy.

That's allowed.

I recently told John about a cool opportunity that I encountered, and I asked him to pray for me about it. He asked me about it later, and I told him it didn't work out. He asked me to explain exactly what had happened, but I said it really wasn't worth retelling the story.

He pressed for more details about the situation.

I said it's really not worth retelling the story.

He asked what had gone wrong.

I said it's really not worth retelling the story.

He asked about where I had encountered the opportunity.

I didn't respond.

"What? You're not gonna respond now?" asked John.

I said I really didn't want to retell the story.

He got a little annoyed and said I was acting weird, but we moved on the chat was ultimately good.

Still, in both situations, there was this vibe of "sad feelings are bad."

Despite how much we love using our feelings to sway personal decisions and public policies, we're so scared of dealing with feelings themselves.

It's an elegant and creepy paradox.

With that being said, I'm gonna go try to deal with Meadowvale.