Living in the Tension

I took a brief stroll through some woods today to pray and to think.

I am 100% sure an elf could shoot me in the dark.

In other news, I've been learning about lingering or living in the tension. I recently finished a book that discussed how many of our addictions or preoccupations are really just misguided pursuits of God. The author talked about how we make certain impulsive choices to relieve our tension. There are a couple habits not exactly worth mentioning in this here blog, but one I've been trying to notice is games on my phone.

Now, you may not be a fan of games on your phone, but I don't think I need to tell about the anxious, impulsive reach for that little pocket machine that has all the distractions you could ever want.

Here is just one of the many jokes made about not having your phone:

Personally, I've developed a habit of clicking to some cheap game. Currently, I'm trying to revive my interest in Clash of Clans because a friend plays it, but it's just as boring as it was when I last deleted it. Besides that, I play a game called Pirate Power: equally as useless, but I have a thing for pirates.

I'll still click 'em open every once in a while, but, with this new goal of living in the tension, I decided not to delete them. Sometimes instead, I'll open my "Games" folder and recite to myself, "live in the tension." Sometimes, I'll pray too. Sometimes, not.

I will tell you this, though: I've definitely been feeling more tense! However, I've also been feeling more peaceful, more resolute, and more focused. I may have said it this way before, but it seems like my life has been coming into clearer focus. This means that I see the grimy splotches in my life I've been trying to avoid, but I also see the green trees, the strange smirk on a friend's face, the lovely ridiculousness of a child's drawing, the warmth in the eyes of a person I had never met before.

Ah, but there are too many factors. It is a good thing, however, that our lives are organic and holistic — and not some sad mess of disconnected threads.

I also recently watched a movie called "About Time." The main idea was that a boy, upon turning 21, was told by his father that their ancestors — as well as the boy himself — could travel time (but only very specifically along their own timeline). Well, being a 21-year-old boy, he spent a lot of his energy looking for love, flirting with girls, etc.

The grand lesson he learned at the end, though, was that he didn't need to travel time. He learned that he could face each day — almost as if he had seen it before via time travel — to embrace all of its ups and downs, joys and trials. He learned how to let go of fear and devote himself to his own life.

It was a beautiful movie, and I wept at least twice.

The combined lesson I draw from these two experiences, then, is that I can live in the tension while at the same time realizing that the moments are more than mere tensions. The moments are events themselves, not merely road-blocks to whatever I'm hoping to achieve. Instead of gritting my teeth (though this serves its purpose often enough), I can relax my jaw and let a smile break out.

Like most things that are worthwhile, it's a slow, arduous process, but I'm learning. And it's so much sweeter than the quick fixes I like to pretend could do the job.

It can also be bitter since my senses aren't dulled as much as I like them to be, but the sweetnesses are that much more rich so that the bitters aren't quite as shocking as I would have feared.