The Last Stage of Cryo

Life's a funny thing. It's also exhausting.

However, when one is given the grace and mercy to see beyond the daily dross, each day is polished into a delightful, little adventure.

As it turns out, I have been writing a good bit; I just haven't blogged in almost something like a forever. I hadn't blogged this whole month! *snicker*

I can never write enough. I can never read enough. I can never sleep enough. I'm just insatiable. There's a provocative song called "Insatiable," but that's not quite what I'm talking about here.

This may sound weird, but work with me: The closer I draw to God, the greater this indescribable hunger grows.

I wrote a good poem about it a while ago. Let me go rustle it up from my archives...

Small Corridors
I feel life’s weight, and I need Your strength
To hold this feeble frame forever,
For, as You know, all days are circumscribed
By Your grace. If I were to sever
Your presence in my life, my very molecules
Would shatter—no matter, I’m Yours,
But I am still so timid, so nervous
About diving into a life of light, a life that soars
On the breaking of each new day. My heart is so small,
So weak. It cannot keep all of Your joy
In such small corridors. It hurts to have my heart’s halls stretched.
For, when I open to You, I destroy
My boundaries: and enters in so much longing,
Infinite longing, for You are all that fits.
I am scared of desiring everything, feeling everything.
Generally, I grow by bits and bits,
But these leaps and bounds make my heart sore.
I implore You to give me the strength,
The strength not to cry every time I don’t understand
Why my heart is aching. Give me the strength
To honor those whom You love. Give me the strength
To wildly chase after You – for You will make me whole.
Please do not take away life’s weight from me
(Since it is just Your love piling on my soul).
- 9/22/2009

"For, when I open to You, I destroy / My boundaries: and enters in so much longing, / Infinite longing, for You are all that fits."

In other news, it's been a strange path: married to quasi-married to eventually unmarried. It usually feels like a stasis or some weird kind of cryosleep.

The phenomenon reminds me of a line from Jake Sully in the movie Avatar: "In cryo, you don't dream at all. It doesn't feel like six years—more like a fifth of Tequila and an ass kicking."

It hasn't felt like a year—more like a clogged cage of confusion. I feel like I'm beginning to thaw though. Maybe it's the stage after full cryo but before being fully thawed.

Right after Jake Sully woke up, a doctor explained, "You've been in cryo for five years, nine months, and twenty-two days. You will be hungry; you will be weak."

I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to express, but this stage feels like it's on the way out. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.