How to Remember?

Well, alrighty then!

Losing my mind losing my mind losing my mind!

It's a song I sing often.

I completed some technical tasks. Comics are coming together. I'm checking out a space today for academic videos. I'm starting literature videos on Monday! Tutoring is building up slowly.

I'm still losing my mind though.

How could I not? When you have a collection of mutually exclusive thoughts and feelings vying for the same space, things get dicey. But, ya know, it's time. It's as good a time as any anyway.

If it fails, I can pretend I'm a failure and call it a day. If it succeeds, however. If it succeeds! I shall be crazy of a different hue.

I never read enough — nor write enough. Google estimates that 129,864,880 books have been written. I hope never to read them all, for some are pure poppycock, but I hope to read many more of them. If I were to read a whole book per day, I wouldn't even scratch one percent of the surface. If I could read a whole book per minute, I would begin to make a dent.

In other news, I'm going crazy. It's about time though. I wish it would just sink in and be done with it. This slow drift into loopy is aggravating. Oi.

Fear! Fear makes me crazy. Not even my own fear, but it becomes my own fear sometimes. What the bonkers. What the actual bonkers. If a common man read some of the things, he'd think they were some fiction, a sitcom perhaps. It's so thorough and so subtle, just subtle enough to think you're crazy.

In all truth, I'm really just frustrated and a tad stressed. The only real insanity I had been entertaining was thinking the exact same approach would cause a different result. That is why it's as good a time as any.

I always forget to trust God. He has carried me through all things, and all of the things through which He has carried me have been pretty peachy on the whole. There were a couple catastrophes that I wouldn't quite call peachy themselves, but the Lord gives, and the Lord takes. Blessed be the name of the Lord. The main pain I've endured has been fearing the future, thinking that the Lord will suddenly drop out of existence: I'll slip, and no One will catch me, and I'll splatter against the gravelly ground.

I always forget. I get so caught up in the farce of control. I have also tried to get myself caught up in the farce of ownership. I keep, keep, keep forgetting that what I own is merely a lend. I am merely a steward. Though I want to find this a stressful notion, though I want to be angry that nothing is truly given to me, it is a relief that I pray to embrace.

It is a relief because I don't have to worry about keeping. If I am to have, it is a gift. If I am not to have, it was not mine to begin with. I forget so much. The trick, I suppose, is how to remember. How do you remember? Do you remember in the first place?! I recite Psalms a lot. It's a good bread and water, but I want more. I want so much more. I want to breathe in the glorious morning star and live in bold hope, bold faith.

I want to look out and see others. I want to listen and relate.

I need to read more.

I need to write more.

Fear holds me back: mine and other's. Perhaps, I was not catastrophic enough. Perhaps, I have remained too pampered. Perhaps, I have not yet tasted a very bitter drink. I wish catastrophes on no one, but I need to be shocked out of my slumber. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps I am merely groggy. Perhaps, I just need a good splash to the face. I would much prefer a splash to the face, but I want truth more than anything. I want freedom more than anything. Whatever it takes, with a wince, with a clenched jaw, I embrace it.

May God grant me freedom before the granting must needs be too strong.